She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
only you would photoshop your dick
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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