I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
