The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
