i think my tv is drunk
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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