does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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