You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
