i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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