What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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