this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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