I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
