I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
