life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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