I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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