I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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