clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize