I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
