and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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