You smell like a Billy Joel song
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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