new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize