if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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