There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
