What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
