Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
