theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I stole a fireplace last night.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
