Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
