4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
