I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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