i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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