All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
