The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
