Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
