I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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