If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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