this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
