remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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