Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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