I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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