3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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