I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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