i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
