dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
