My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
