Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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