I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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