I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
no, he came in my armpit
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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