I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
