This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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