I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
