She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
