Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He passed out mid-signature
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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