This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
