The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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