Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
