When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
